Has anyone every realised how sadistic Google is?
Yes, you read that correctly. For the purpose, and duration of this peroration. I will, and by ‘I’ I mean “We”, as
in you and I. Will consider Google to be an anthropomorphic entity.
If you cannot agree with this, then you are just clouded by your anthropocentric ideals.
Now that we are clear on this issue, I will give you a moment while you look up one or more of the previous
If you already know them, then Kudos to you.
If you did not know them, and can’t bother to look them up. Just consider them to be …On second thought, you know what?
Dee!! Dee!! Get out of my Laboratory!
Back to our regular scheduled programming
I woke up one morning with a sore throat. Like we are wont to do in the age of the internet: head straight to Google whenever we have a problem.
I decide to see what are the causes of sore throats. Just to see – speculatively – If I could find out how and what I did to acquire said sore throat.
So naturally, I headed to Google and typed in my query.
Now being the Jaded Optimist that I am. I paused for a moment and considered If I really wanted to know the
answer. Sadly, it is in times like these that my cautious optimism rears its head.
Needless to say, I went along with the search.
Before I clicked the t search button ..there was this shrill voice in the back of my mind the screamed:
Dee Dee NOOOooooooooo!!!
At which point, I expected my computer to implode from my incompetence.
My computer did not implode, and I hit search.
Lo and behold, the next thing I know. The search results say a Sore Throat can be caused by an Illness called:
By the unpronounceable nature of said word..I knew at once my life was in danger.
At this time, I’m gripping my computer desk so hard. You would need the Jaws of life to pry my stiff and cold fingers free.
PS. If that is what the Jaws of Life looks like….I really really really, don’t want to see the jaws of death.
Ahem, as sadistic as the search results were, I was too committed to stop reading.
So naturally, I continued.
You know things are dire, when all that comes to mind is a scene form Macbeth.
It is safe to assume, at this, point the proverbial Sh*t has hiteth the proverbial fan.
“And betimes I will—to the weird sisters.
More shall they speak, for now I am bent to know,
By the worst means, the worst. For mine own good,
All causes shall give way. I am in blood
Stepped in so far that, should I wade no more,
Returning were as tedious as go o’er…”
Basically, what Macbeth is saying is that he has committed himself to his actions, to go back is as hard as it is to go forward …so he might as well continue onward.
So clearly you know I continued reading the search results.
The next thing I know… Google lets me know how because of my Sore Throat… I can suffer a ruptured spleen.
I mean… What in the name of…..! .A RUPTURED SPLEEN?….FROM A SORE THROAT?
What the F……….!?
Sorry for the all caps. But it was necessary to accurately reenact my original response.
So at this point I’m like Google…your are one sadistic son of a….(breathes deeply)
So, I have learnt my lesson.
Well played Google… well played!