Month: March 2013

Who loves Ham?

sarcasm_warning

I have just had an epiphany. I realise why some people do not like me. I’m just too lovable. No, seriously, I am.
There is one caveat though, I am not lovable in the conventional sense. I am more of a “Love you so much I wish I could kill you and not go to jail for the rest of my life” kinda guy.

What can I say? I inspire people to reach a plateau of great passionate intensity. Whether or not this is a euphemism; that is for you to decide.

Over the years my Wit and I have allegedly run roughshod over people and their opinions of me and the world at large. I must confess, at this stage, I feel I deserve a Nobel Peace prize. Simply for staying alive this long. I cannot say I do not marvel at the fact that I have not been a victim of mob violence, instigated by my verbal witticisms.
However, they cut me to the quick. To be honest, I mean no harm. Scouts honour. Let not the fact that I am not a scout, nor I have never been a scout or harbour any internal desires to this end. Sully your perception of my oath as previously delivered.

One of the great literary devices is flashback. Some may find it cliché, but it does serve a purpose. Let me employ this now to prove to you how my wit and I have been wronged.

Without further ado:
I have this friend who appreciates wit. On account possess a modicum of it, this thing called wit.
For the sake of brevity – his name is quite long – let us call him ‘Ham’. Please note, I am not saying that he is a Pig who has become my friend due to a posthumous miracle. This is just a pun on his name.

Ham, liked this girl called… Phrenic. (Phernic is the pseudonym I will use for her)
Like the great friend that I am, I decided to help Ham get the girl. With regular women, Ham needed no help. However, Phrenic was.. well, let’s just say, Phrenic was not your average woman. I have always made it clear that I believe: “SANITY-! is for the weak“. Phernic – on the other hand – was quite Herculean; her motto should have been: “Hercules..! ain’t got nothing on me!” While pounding her chest for emphasis.

To continue: I decided to help him by being me: very forward in speech. To this end, I was listing all of Ham’s good qualities. Something that really stressed my ability to equivocate. However, my efforts seemed to have been wasted. Phrenic was having none of my spiel.

This is how it went:

Me: Phrenic, Ham is really a great guy. You too would make a lovely couple.

Phrenic stopped looked at me and said: “You know, I thought cupid would have been cuter”

Let me tell you, I was shocked, appalled, devastated! That she so readily eschewed my subtle verbal hints to give Ham a chance at ‘love’.

I looked a Phrenic, smiled and responded: “Well if YOU were any cuter, you wouldn’t have needed cupid”

To say she was not amused, would have been an understatement. She stood stock still for a moment and looked at me. If looks could kill I would be a dead. And not quickly either.
As the evidence clearly displayed. I was merely being a good friend. Phrenic decided to counter my friendly suggestion by being pro argumentum ad hominem. My response was just my witty recourse.

What made the situation worse was Ham. Ham, being the poster boy for ‘I have no tact’, started laughing. The type of laughing that involves not just your vocal cords, but your entire body.
Ham is a sturdy fellow, every now and then he practices Martial Arts; so I assume he has good, if not excellent balance.
However, on this occasion Ham was laughing so hard he had to lean on a wall for support to lower the imminent risk of falling to the ground and rolling around in the dirt in fits of laughter.

I will not lie to you. His laughing was infectious. I doubt she ever forgave me for that moment of cerebral alacrity.

Needless to say, Ham never got the girl.

Just in case you were wondering, my Wit and I have recovered from the injustice. So, you see I am really a great guy and a good friend. I am just a tender soul that has been misunderstood and treated unfairly.

People these days, never appreciate anything good.

I hope this alleviated some of your misgivings on the nature of my personality. I feel that you have seen and understood the nature of the injustice I have to suffer through.
Alas! Do not worry, I am resilient. They can’t keep a good man down!

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What’s in a name?

Over the years many actors have donned the moniker of Bond; the latest being Daniel Craig. While Bond always oozes a suave, debonair personality that seems to be a potent solvent for ladies underwear- as they seem to fall at his slightest jester- He – Bond- isn’t the focus today. Neither are solvents for ladies underwear. Just to be clear.

What then is the focus if not bond. What else could be interesting enough incite me to write if it isn’t about the titular character ?
If you know Bond and, If – like me – you have seen almost all the old films cutesy of 28 days of Bond on TBS – something I never missed. Then you know all (older) Bond films have one great thing in common. That – of course – isn’t bond. That thing being: Connotative names for his female supporting star.

I do not know the social milieu of the 60s; but I assume if they were socially conservative. Then seeing the names of the Bond women must have been like going to the park on a sunny day and catching a young couple in the middle of an impromptu performance of ” Is it in yet?” or as its more popularly known: “Three minutes is not enough”
The first Bond lady and – perhaps – the most memorable is no other than Ms. Pussy Galore; played by one Honor Blackman .

honor-blackman-pussy-galore_0

When I first saw Goldfinger – at what tender age I cannot remember- my vocabulary was not as it is today. Consequently, the only word I recognised was “Pussy” – needless to say, I know you understand why. I am sure I was secretly smug in seeing this interesting feat of appellation. However, later on I learnt the meaning of ‘Galore’. It was then, that the true genius of this name dawned on me. You may find it risque or crude. I say it’s – wait for it!! – Pure gold!

Think about it? What would have gone through your mind if you walked into a room and saw a beautiful woman. You stroll over and say:

“The name’s Bond… James, Bond”

She looks at you, raises a neatly coiffured brow and responds:

“The name’s Galore… Pussy, Galore”

As the silence stretched on, and as your brain decided to reclaim its space in your head from is place on the floor.
Perhaps, you would respond: “Ahh, how nice to meet you Pussy… I mean Ms Galore. I do look forward to spending some time.. in.. your company”

The second Bond lady we will speak of. Is no less stunning in form or appellation than our first. She- however- has the honour of being a titular character of the film. Her name: Octopussy. Played by one Maud Adams.

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If you are like me – traumatic as that realisation may be – you would begin to notice a pattern here. And seeing as how I am most unlike myself today. I would love for you to tell me what that pattern is; but I digress.

By the time I watched Octopussy. I must confess, my mind did not dwell in a perpetual state of connotative meanings and their relations. However, now I am forced to wonder if the name ‘Octopussy’ has anything to do with someone called Kegel and her capacity to flex. To quote the popular meme, with my own twist: “Do you even grip?”

Octopossy_Maud

The fourth Bond lady that we will discuss is Dr Holly Goodhead, Ms Goodhead;  played by one Lois Chiles.  the film: Moonraker.

Lois Chiles playing Dr Holly Goodhead

After being introduced to Ms Goodhead. I think I would be in urgent need of a chiropractor. I am told my jaw occupying a permanent place at my feet is hardly natural.

The age of digital marketing is new to us. Being pioneered by social platforms like Facebook and Twitter. However, whomever named Ms Goodhead was ahead of his time – and should be revered by his peers. Because, it is quite honestly, one of the best methods of marketing I have ever encountered. Who would have thought Ms Goodhead , was a so talented an ‘orator ‘ that she needed an epithet. If nothing, after seeing this movie, I am sure Bond was a fan of ‘rhetoric’ especially with ‘orators’ like Ms Goodhead.

The final Bond lady we will discuss as our time together draws to a close. is none other than …..
Ms Goodnight. Ms Mary Goodnight. Played by one Britt Ekland. The film: The man with the Golden Gun.

britek

In the greater scheme of things, her name is quite subtle. At least, it is in comparison to the others we’ve looked at thus far. Especially for those of you who lack a robust appreciation for connotative puns. Or who are so innocent – naive – that they see nothing connotative about her name in the first place.
Ms Goodnight represents another brilliant piece of marketing. I am sure Mr Bond enjoyed watching reruns of “things that go bump in the night’ with Ms Goodnight.

All these names taken together. I can only imagine meeting Pussy Galore, then to find out about Ms Octopussy, who is related to Ms Goodhead. Ultimately culminating in having….err I mean … meeting Ms Goodnight.

To Trundle, or not to Trundle that is the Question!

I am a nerd. Or, at least , i think I am. One can never be too sure about these things and I would hate to lie to my-self. Lying to you, however, is something I would NEVER do.

If you know what I mean meme

While being a nerd used to be a pejorative,  it is now 2013. And in 2013… okay scrap that. I have no clue what significance 2013 has on why being a nerd is now okay. But what can I say? 2013 sounds like the “future”: that magical place where things just seem to work out; or at least I think it sounds profound when I say it.

What I’m really trying to say is this:  all the things nerds used to get laughed at for doing are now socially acceptable.

Quick side note: For all you nerds out there… No! no one cares how extensive your porn collection is. Of course, I don’t watch porn (just…. throwing that out there)

Why am i a nerd?  FUS RO DAH!!!… (Ahem, uhh forgive my outburst there. For a moment I lost sight of the aim at hand.) Because I read Fantasy novels and play games. Those are nerd-like activities right? Socially inept as I am, I can never tell.
Anyway, to continue: If you play any games online, you have encountered people who do every thing but play the game how it is supposed to be played. This propensity to be annoying is what we call -in colloquial terms: Being a bitch (pardon my french). After dealing with people like this, you may suddenly be in need of extensive psychiatric assistance.

(And, just in case you were wondering. No I am not misogynistic nor am i throwing stones at women. This is a universal term.)
In more contemporary terminology we call (being a b**ch) Trolls. For those  of you who like to play devils advocate, ( or honestly just don’t know). These aren’t the type that live under bridges. Though – I must admit- If they did, the internet would be a much better place – hypothetically speaking.
The game I play most these days – due to bandwidth restriction – is LOL.

Let me take a moment here. For the minute members of the human population who do not know. LOL does not mean laughing out loud; it means League of Legends. (although it can mean laughing out loud as well)
To cut my mental meanderings short. I play a lot of LOL/League of late. If you are familiar with this game, you would know ‘Tis the rift from whence Trolls emerge’. If you aren’t familiar with this game….Umm

Skeptical kid

What are Trolls? I am ecstatic you asked! Imagine, playing a game and in it there is this one fool; whose sole aim is to ruin your day while sitting at his desk squealing in girlishly sadistic tones of delight. In essence, a Troll is someone that does something solely to piss you off.

I don’t know the general reactions to Trolls. Aside form spontaneously combusting  into paroxysms of rage. However, my reactions are all cerebral.
By which I mean I create improbable mental scenarios so that I may satiate my emotional dissonance by way of phantasmagoria images ( generally violent).

You may have noticed my previous statement seems precariously verbose. You did? Good! So did I.

Trolls are so wide spread lately, it has dawned on me: There are professional Trolls. People who have nothing better to do than make someone else’s life difficult. Dependent on your social influence, you may know them as haters. But lets not argue semantics.

I cannot understand the mind of a Troll, but I can attempt to demonstrate my hypothesis on the purpose of their existence. I will attempt to do this by way of a parody of a popular Hip-Hop song. [Brothers] in Paris. If you must know Its actually “N word” In Paris, but I would hate insult anyone’s sensibilities.
So here is my Magnum opus for this post – Besides the post of course.
I call it: Bitches In LOL

Troll so hard make Summoners wanna find me, But first I gotta go in hiding
Which lane am I supposed to be in? Somebody please remind me.
(Troll so hard) you sit raging, y’all don’t know that it don’t faze me?
Go 0/82 /0 and be like this shit gravy!
(Troll so hard) This shit weird, I ain’t even supposed to be here
(Troll so hard) Let’s be clear, when the team fight starts I’ll be farming else where
Psycho: I’m liable to go Mundo, take your pick
Executioner, Rageborn, Corporate. Masteries /0/0/6
(Troll so hard) Got a broken shop, buying items with the wrong stats.

Well, by you know you can tell I am not a Rap artist; but you get the drift. If you didn’t, you can always …ahhh Umm-. Okay, honestly, if you didn’t get it I failed as writer.
Actually, you and I both know I don’t believe that, and we wouldn’t want to start lying to each other now would we?

Oh..so you mean you’re not Jamaican?

Jamaicans are like my guilty pleasure: Passionate, infuriating; but oh so captivating.
Perhaps I should quantify. By saying ‘Jamaicans’, I mean Jamaican women. But…ahh..the men are cool too.(I think)

People say Jamaicans are violent. I say they are passionate and – sometimes- misunderstood; but they are a really interesting set of people.
If I had to give a reason, on why I think Jamaicans are not liked. My reason would be: because they seem to pop up EVERYWHERE!

All jesting aside, and I do hope you realise I am jesting. Let me tell you the real reason Jamaicans are so cool. Ah– I mean, misunderstood.

Jamaicans are very honest. They will express exactly what is on their mind. More often than not, they will do this with an utter disregard for what YOU perceive as proper social etiquette .
Jamaican honesty works like this: They will stand in front of you, express their opinions about you. While pretending you don’t exist.

[Yes, I must admit, I have noticed it too. Jamaicans love their Oxymora.]

In fact, I think it would be safe to suggest that you: never ask a Jamaican to tell you the truth. In most cases, you WILL over-react. I think at this point, most Jamaicans must have developed a response to being asked for a truthful opinion, or for the truth in general. It would look something like this:

Slapping batmanTruth

If it wasn’t obvious before, let me say: I have a penchant for asides. Courtesy of my time in Love, Death and Poetry.If you are curious to know exactly what is Love, Death and Poetry. Lets just say, it was the title of a class I had. Yes, that really was the title. Forgive my use of colloquialism. But, dope title right?

Okay, back on track. Since I know you have exhausted your patience – and are on the verge of being catatonic – in waiting for my aside.

Here goes:

I just found out why Trinis (people from Trinidad) don’t like Jamaicans. The reason is – and this is new to me- outside of being native to the Caribbean. If you tell someone you’re from the Caribbean they do not know this is not code for: “I’m Jamaican”

Essentially, if you told someone you are from the Caribbean, and named an Island, they would probably think it’s in Jamaica too. SCORE ONE FOR JAMAICANS!

And for all those of you who do not recognise satire. No! Jamaica is not big enough to encompass other Islands. But, I digress.

Two friends were talking to this girl, perhaps I should mention that they are talking to this girl outside the West Indies? No? Good! I always knew you were sharp. 

The first guy said: “Hey I’m Jamaican”

The girl responds: “Oh wow that is so cool”
The second guy goes – and this is where the shit hits the fan –  “Hey i’m Trinidadian!”

The girl takes a moment to think – you know one of those moments when you are pondering on the secrets of life – then looks him in the eye, and responds ” Oh really! Where in Jamaica is that?”

Oh so your not Jamaican

Now, I don’t know about you..but the hilarity of that response cannot be explained with words. And should it be possible to do so; I fear my skills are not up to the task. But…you should know.. I found that hilarious!

Truth be told, Jamaicans are fun to be around. And just like any other nation in the world they have good people and bad people. Unfortunately, it seems the “bad” are used as the archetype of all Jamaicans.

Here is my Challenge to you: Talk to a Jamaican…you might be surprised how cool they can be. Oh, and before I forget. Not all Jamaicans smoke Cannabis sativa and asking a person you just met for said plant; will not score you any points.