Texas Chainsaw 3D, A Moive that should have remained in…. “Tales from the Crypt!”

Sometimes you go to the theatre totally enthused to watch a movie; you head to the Box Office; secure your ticket and sit in eager anticipation. Then your long-awaited Movie starts;  and it all goes down hill from there.

Early this year, I saw Texas Chainsaw 3D. Which, had so much 3D; I blinked and missed it. I have never been a huge proponent of ‘Horror’ movies. Reason being: most – if not all – of the movies in the genre are not very scary. Most of these movies fall into a: “Slaughter everything in sight indiscriminately” pattern. Which, let’s be honest, is more often than not quite hilarious.

Does that make me sound sadistic? Because if it does, let me just state: “I am not sadistic!” However, the hilarity ensues from the air headed attempts at survival that the “victims” make;  sometimes all I can do is laugh.

texas-chainsaw-3d-2013-motion-poster
SPOILER ALERT! For those of you who: Love this movie and haven’t; seen the movie yet and plan to do so in the near future.
The premise of the movie is as follows:

A group of friends go to Texas to collect the protagonist’s inheritance: A House. Which …wait for it…includes a hulking, psychotic, chainsaw wielding killer; with the mental capacity and development of an 8-year-old. What follows, is standard horror movie fare: people die in very stupid ways. The friends include: Heather, her boyfriend Ryan, her “best friend” Nikki and some guy Nikki is supposed to be currently dating. I labelled him as some guy. Simply because he dies so fast, knowing his name will make no difference. But, if you MUST know. He was called Kenny. I suppose I should have stood up and screamed “Oh my God! They killed Kenny!” But that may have been received poorly by the general theatre audience.

What made this an excruciating experience for me?  Well, the antagonist of the movie, while being large and imposing; also walks/runs with a limp and a chainsaw in his hands weighing – I assume – quite a lot. However, he somehow runs behind a Van, down a driveway that is perhaps a mile long; and keeps pace. He then proceeds to slash the Tyre  the van over turns and the black guy (Ryan) dies.  Ryan is a character my cousin terms ‘the token black guy’. Essentially, it is a black guy in a movie that is killed so quickly; you wonder what he was doing in the movie in the first place. However, since Ryan didn’t even get the ‘honour’ of being killed directly by Leatherface. Clearly he might be less than a “token.”

After Ryan dies, only Nikki and Heather are left alive in the capsized van. It is at this moment, Heather has what I can only term: A moment of panic induced self-sacrifice. She gets out the van and leads Leatherface away from Nikki. This was funny  and (almost, but not quite) tragic; because Nikki and Ryan had just finished a  conversation about the “Birds” and the “Bees” just minutes before. By that I mean: Ryan pollinated Nikki’s garden. In fact, it might be more accurate to say he laid ‘seeds’; as her garden may have been bare of ‘flowers’ resulting in him being forced to ‘plow the soil’; so to speak.

If you know what I mean meme

Nikki was so thankful; she remained in the Van until Leatherface returned; to drag her off for storage in his meat locker …(Smart girl).

After Leatherface Kills all of Heather’s friends and loved ones; attempts to kill her, then saves her life ( in that order). She decides to stay on and take care of Leatherface as her grandmother wanted. Essentially becoming “family.”

I am all for second chances; moments where the human condition is displayed at its finest. Through acts of selflessness and sacrifice. However, how in the name of the movie going Deities; can a man just violently murder people you have known for a majority of your life; attempted to do the same to you. Yet you want to become his nursemaid? WAIT… WHAT?

I dnt wanan live here!

Suffice to say. I left that theatre feeling like I was a willing participant in a robbery. Because that movie stole One hour and thirty-two minutes (1hr:32min) of my life.
What was the last movie YOU watched? And how did you find it?

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2 thoughts on “Texas Chainsaw 3D, A Moive that should have remained in…. “Tales from the Crypt!”

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